Oh For Grace To Trust Him More

I wanted to share some of my thoughts about the trial I just went through. Hopefully it will encourage someone to keep pressing on!

Six months ago I discovered a tumor, definitely not something new for me, this was my fourth. It was just as disconcerting as the others though. I began praying about where to go and of course those anxious thoughts began to outnumber the rational ones. I ended up seeing a doctor and having tests that confirmed I needed surgery. I then went to a surgeon who did a biopsy to rule out cancer. All these appointments took weeks to occur and it seemed like every time I was supposed to receive answers, more questions arose. The biopsy did not come back conclusive. What? I thought either there were cancer cells or there weren’t. So then I was referred to a different surgeon who made the decision to go forward with surgery and the tumor would be torn apart afterwards to determine if it was cancer. I had the surgery which was a piece of cake compared to the turmoil I went through afterwards.

I was supposed to get the pathology results back after 5 days. My appointment to see the surgeon post op was 8 days after the surgery. I prayed and prayed trying to calm my thoughts and prepare myself for the results. I imagined so many crazy things and I told the Lord I was so sorry that I just couldn’t relax and trust Him. I waited patiently in the doctors office for an hour, while my anxiety escalated. He finally came in and told me my 6 inch incision was healing beautifully and that the pathology still wasn’t back! I stared at him in disbelief. I had geared up for this moment for months! He thought possibly in the next day or so the results would be back. I went to my car and I was so overwhelmed with disappointment I could hardly speak as I made phone calls to my loved ones who were anxiously waiting to hear. I told my husband I could no longer pray about the situation, I was just weary to the bone with anxiety and he gave me the best advice ever. He said, don’t pray about it anymore, just rest. Rest seemed impossible in that moment but those words never left my mind.

As I went through the next SIX days waiting for those elusive results my thoughts began to turn in a grateful direction. They had to be doing a good job, or they wouldn’t be taking so long! I began to realize that we are His most precious possession and He truly is able to provide everything we need. I needed to take Him at His Word and truly rest in His promises. It’s one thing to say it, it’s another story to really believe it and walk in it. I know I failed in completely trusting the Lord as I waited. I also know I reached another level in experiencing the awesome Love of God. When I could no longer handle the tormenting thoughts, He was there reminding me I was His precious possession.

The results came back 14 days after the surgery. There were no cancer cells found. I was relieved beyond measure but most importantly I could truly appreciate those test results and the fact that a thorough job was done. God does all things well, in His time and for His reasons. I’m so grateful to have the privilege of serving Him.